JOURNAL | AN UNKNOWN STORM

“we are in the same storm, but not in the same boat.”

I’ve been struggling to articulate this exact sentiment but failed to find the words. While we are all facing the same situation; social distancing, business closures, unknown, isolation and more, it looks different for each person and affects everyone differently. 

For me personally, I had no way of knowing that choosing to stay in Canberra also meant choosing to be alone. I couldn’t foresee an indefinite forced separation from my husband, how our only means of connection would be technology. I didn’t know I’d be facing a period of solitude, uncertainty, distance and loneliness.

I suppose I need to explain something before continuing. To do that, I’ll rewind to 2019 when my husband and I made a decision about how our lives would look in 2020. My husband is an Army officer and being apart of the Army means posting to a new location every two years (usually). At the end of 2019 we were due to post and our new location; Townsville. You may or may not know but prior to our posting here in Canberra, we lived in Townsville and it was the hardest 18 months of my life, both personally and professionally. There were good aspects of our time in Townsville and it ultimately led me to where I am now but the thought of going back was unimaginable for so many reasons. We were looking at 12 months in Townsville, Tom (my husband) being away for a fair amount of that time and me alone with little to no support network, clients or friends. With an established growing business, solid support network, friends and a city I’d grown to love, we made the decision to live in two states - commonly known as MWDU or essentially to navigate a long distance relationship.

There were so many factors surrounding our decision but ultimately it came down to what was best for us both individually and our relationship. Knowing it would be hard but easier with the ability to travel back and forth when we could, we started planning trips and adjusting to our new normal. We only managed one trip in January where I went to Townsville to set up the home there and then COVID-19 swept the rug right under our feet.

I’ll admit, probably like most others, when I initially heard mentions of COVID-19, I didn’t pay too much attention. It felt distance, and unthreatening so, I continued along with life as planned. Days and weeks passed and the distance no longer existed. Guidelines were being putting in place, people were fighting over toilet paper, borders were being closed, travel plans cancelled and life as we knew it came to a standstill. 

As uncertainty set in, so did a heavy sadness. Everything I had put it place to ensure life was full was quickly being changed or cancelled. Family and friends could no longer visit, my once empty bush walking tracks now full of people confined to their homes in search of a release, gatherings of 2 or more were banned and I felt shut off in my own home. I was trying to navigate the ever changing days as they came, listening to constant reports, reading updated guidelines and still trying to maintain some sort or normality. As this all hit, I was busier than ever with work and found it hard to focus or complete a task. Thankfully I have some really wonderful clients and they were understanding when I communicated to them that I may need to delay projects. They themselves were coming to terms with our new reality and battling their own struggles. I gave myself permission to rest, to grieve and come to terms with our new reality. Our reunion travel was cancelled for the foreseeable future and we still don’t know when we’ll be able to see each other again.

For a little while it felt like I was simply existing. I couldn’t go a day without crying and I filled my nights with TikTok dances because they distracted me from my sadness. For anyone who has experienced any form of grief, you know it hits hardest at night and on weekends. I’ve realised, it’s the simplest moments of everyday life I took for granted. The things I didn’t give a second thought about before doing. A hug, conversations about nothing and everything, sitting in silence, a warm body beside me at night, somebody else to go to the shop, to help clean or feed the animals. Someone to lean on or laugh with, to pick up the slack, a reassuring presence that things will be ok, a sounding board, a partner. This is what I’m missing most and when I allow myself to really sit in this space, the sadness is overwhelming. I’m grateful still, I have someone to miss, a love so deep, strong and true but sometimes the weight of it all is a little too heavy. 

I knew staying would be hard, I had no idea it would be this hard. I’ve been hesitant to put this all out into the digital world. In all honesty, I’m cautious to show my struggles and be vulnerable when I know there are so many other struggling right now or in worse situations. I’ve tried not to think beyond each day and keep this internal struggle to myself but I know there are so many others out there struggling and feeling alone. I’ve come to realise that we all need connection, we need to know there are others feeling the same, it’s commonness that brings us together and helps us through these hard times. We need to know that it’s both ok to not be ok and it’s also ok to be ok.

This journal entry has been a progression over time and I’m so happy to say that life right now is a lot different to when this all really hit. I’ve been able to find a new rhythm and sense of normality that allows me to function more with each new day. I’ve found joy and love in documenting moments through my front yard portraits with clients and friends. I have three furbabies who literally kick me out of bed every single day and provide endless love and cuddles. I’m also grateful to have the support of family and friends who listen, check in and hug me when I break down.

I couldn’t end this without mentioning my husband Tom, this man has a way of filling space when distance prevents us from being together. He’s allowed me to be angry, sad, irrational and silent. Sent me dessert just to make my night a little better, organised a virtual date night to celebrate our anniversary and somehow still made me laugh each and every day. Most importantly, he has loved without reservation and been my constant support.

This storm we’re all facing is uncertain but hopefully it will begin to clear and we can find a new normal. In the meantime, love without reservation, hug the ones you can and reach out when you need support or connection. Now is not the time to be proud or think your battle is too small. We’re all hurting and we all need each other more than ever.

Sending you love and a virtual hug.